My Blog

Soul-Searching

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 11:21:31 -0600

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching recently.

Can’t find it anywhere.

Late Night

Sat, 9 Feb 2008 11:19:32 -0600

You know the part in old westerns where the drunk guy looks up, raises an eyebrow, and goes to start a fight in the bar with the man who got his woman? Yeah, well I saw that look in person last night! It was awesome!!

I said "Right before you spoke them fightin' words, you gave me the 'I'm schnookered look!" Unfortunately, my untimely comment stopped the "fight"...

I'm afraid that the party-givers will have to have their rug deplumed now. The piece de resistance of my costume was a feather boa with no self control- it just kept giving!

But now I know that I should always wear my feather boa so that if I am ever left lost in the forest by my evil stepmother --or actually in the plains-- well, the plains with no foliage whatsoever, ok, fine, the desert, where there's NO wind at all and very light colored sand --I can follow my feather trail back home. (Unless of course the Feather-Eating Weegees show up, but let's face it, once the Feather-Eating Weegees show up, you're f*cked anyway.)

I have resolved to keep no resolutions what-so-ever. I may make them and give them out as gifts, but I simply haven't anywhere to put them, which makes keeping them seem rather foolish.

FUTURE PLANS: When I become a private detective, I will always carry silly putty with me, so that when the person I'm following circles something in a newspaper and then goes to the bathroom, I can place the silly putty on the newspaper to capture the circled text and then roll it up and put it back in its container to read later.

Currently, all attempts to "sober up" are failing...

Minion

Sat, 2 Feb 2008 11:14:33 -0600

I was toying with a triple-entendre earlier, when suddenly it flipped, pinning me beneath it. Damn, why'd I have to make that thing so fucking sharp? I came to the conclusion, while struggling beneath its weight, that I need a minion.

Well, perhaps several minions or henchmen of some sort would be useful. I simply can't put this off any longer if I'm going to take over the world by Tuesday.

So, here it is, an open call for minions. I am an equal opportunity employer- I hate everyone. I will not pay you or give you benefits of any kind. I will beat you, berate you, whip you, and quite possibly kill you, but only if it amuses me.

If you're interested, show up at my home at 3 am with all of your documentation and three barely alive references tied up in a burlap sack. I'll fire three warning shots before calling the police to tell them that I just killed a trespasser on my property.

DANGER! Lead: the silent poison.

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 10:59:45 -0600

hmmmm..... they must be comparin' it to one o them NOISY poisons. The ones that shriek and gibber in the night....

The First Two Lines of the Story of Her Life

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 10:56:12 -0600

Though they said it was dangerous, or perhaps because, she'd taken to driving in the rain with her windshield wipers off. It was like looking through a stained glass window that rippled and moved with time.